how wrong we were to think that immortality meant never dying
by bleuboxes
Summary: When he was just a child, his father told him of the great burdens of the Time Lords- how they had impossibly long lives and were forced to watch so many die. He didn't think much of it then, and really forgot about that day until the day he almost lost her.


_How wrong we were to think that immortality meant never dying._

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><p>When he was just a child, his father told him of the great burdens of the Time Lords- how they had impossibly long lives and were forced to watch so many die. He didn't think much of it then, and really forgot about that day until the day he almost lost her.<p>

It was his curse, and it wasn't fair. He had watched so many die; so many innocents and so many soldiers and so many villains (Though when he really thought about it, villains only do what they're doing because they truly believe that they are doing the right thing) die because of his recklessness.

He never meant for any of their deaths, and he usually just put it off. He was the Doctor that forgets. He didn't want to deal with the pain of missing all of them. It was a burden of the largest degree and the only thing he could do about it was to sit on a cloud and not interfere. (He tried that before, didn't really like it)

He tried to travel without a companion, but he knew he would never make it. He was an old man who needed comforting. He was just an old man burdened with the pain and suffering and deaths of so many, it hurt.

But what hurt him the most is when his friends, his companions, and sometimes his lovers, had to leave him. They all wounded his hearts, and tried, dear god, did he try, to blame someone else for their departures, but the blame would always fall back on his shoulders, and there wasn't a think he could do about it.

He figured that Rose and Martha were the lucky ones, in their own twisted ways. Rose did get him, well, sort of him. (Bless her if he was stuck talking like Donna and his Tenth self for the rest of his life) And Martha, she's happily married now, to Mickey the Idiot, of all people.

But Donna, his hearts broke for Donna, who would never remember traveling with him. Sassy, strong, brave Donna, who always set him straight in his darkest hours. She wouldn't remember, she _mustn't _remember, because even though her not remembering him hurts, her death would surely bring him even more pain.

And then there was Amelia Pond and Rory. She was his best friend who was taken from him in undesirable circumstances. The Angel's tormented him, forever and always would they mock him, and he didn't know why. He was positive that Amy was happy with Rory in New York during the 1940, but maybe he was jealous, maybe he wished that he could have had a chance of a perfectly mundane. But he knew that their lives were most likely anything but mundane, and that their grief was probably just as much as his for them, and maybe plus some, because they had not only lost their best friend, but also their daughter.

He didn't know where to begin with River Song. If anything, he felt kind of bad because he never really loved her the way she loved him. So, maybe their love was a little tiny bit unrequited; that didn't stop him from missing her. He knew that her departure, her death, was heart shattering. The worst part as, he didn't really even know her when she went, and he saw how much she loved him, and he saw all the pain in her eyes as she looked at the man she loved and saw that he didn't have the slightest idea of who she was.

And then there was Clara, beautiful, impossible, wonderful Clara. He had watched her twice, as the Oswin the Dalek, who was a genius and a bit of a flirt, (Okay, she pretty much was a flirt) and as Clara Oswin Oswald, the barmaid who just also happened to be a governess who had helped him find a way out of his post-Pond depression. He had watched them both give their lives for him. So, when _his _Clara had to sacrifice herself for him at his tomb, he was reluctant. He didn't want to lose her again.

She did the impossible. She survived. Was she going to be mentally unstable for the rest of her life? probably, but he didn't care; as long as she was with him, he was happy and would try to help her because he loved her, and he was selfish- he didn't want anyone else to have her.

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><p>That only happened weeks ago, and they were currently sitting at the TARDIS's kitchen table. She was picking at a blueberry muffin and he was reading his <em>Advanced Quantum Mechanics <em>book, every so often taking peeks to savor the way she looked when she wasn't busy running for her life.

"You okay, Doctor? You seem a little distant this morning."

"Yeah," he said a bit quickly, "I'm okay, call me the king of okay, actually don't, that's a rubbish title…" she rolled her eyes at him and folded her arms. He put down his book, and removed his glasses and let out a soft sigh.

"What's up?

"Just, you know, thinking…" he said.

"Bout what?"

"Things." He replied.

"You can tell me you know, that's what friends do, help each other."

"I don't want to lose you, Clara." He admitted.

"What do you mean, I'm not just gonna go out there and magically get lost, now am I?"

"No, not that kind of lost, like dead lost or, _I'm never going to see the Doctor again_ lost, or _I can't remember the Doctor _lost, like _away from me so that I don't have a chance at saving you_ lost."

"Why are you thinking about this?"

"Because, I just, I just don't know, Clara, why do you think things? Because you just do!" he said slightly aggravated

"Look, I get you're concerned for me, okay, just I not gonna go out there and kill myself just to give you grief, okay."

"You don't get it, Clara, I've lost you so many times, I can't lose you again, and I just can't."

"I know, Doctor." She said and gave him a hug.

"I've killed so many people. I've lost just as many. I'm just so lonely." He started crying. He didn't mean to. (He also didn't mean to fall in love with Clara, but whoop-de-do, that happened.)

"Come here," she said and took his hand. He was dragged into the Console room and over to the door and she opened it.

"Do you see those stars, Doctor? They all shine for you. And all the people on all the planets you've saved, their hearts are beating for you. And, you see me, Doctor? I was born to save you so you could do all that amazing planet saving. I'd be so lost without you."

"But what about all the others, the people that died, Clara, I killed them!"

"Some died because they had something worth dying for, like my echoes, Doctor. They chose to die for you. And others, like the Daleks and Cybermen, you gave them a choice, and they chose their death's by destruction."He gave her a hug and kissed the top of her head.

"Where would I be without you, Clara?" he asked her.

"Probably exploding in a supernova or something." She said with a smile as she wiped the remaining tears off his face. She quickly brushed her lips against his and turned back to looking at the stars.

"Love you, Clara." He whispered.

"Forever."

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><p><strong>This was an idea that was hopping around in my head and i just had he opportunity and inspiration to write it down today.<strong>

**the quote at the beginning isn't mine, its from My Chemical Romance's song, "Our Lady of Sorrows". i found it rather fitting.**

**please review/favorite :) (It might make the Doctor come visit you someday, you never know... *wink Wink*)**

**Love you guys, **

**bleuboxes **


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